The Epic Tale of my First Scorpion Kill

In September, I saw a baboon spider and hid under a mosquito net while I waited for my family to come home and kill it for me. I hid under there for 7 hours and left all my friends really dramatic WhatsApp voice recordings filled with panic and sadness.

In October, I got my hut fumigated to solve the earwig and spider infestations, which I handled with about as much grace as I had in September. I didn’t sleep for 2 nights, I called Safety and Security and cried a lot, and right away I found myself staying somewhere comfortable while my hut was fixed.

On 15 November, I made a new step. The day was hot, and my hut was hotter. The sun beating down on the tin roof and the lack of a breeze drove the temperature inside to 90^oF by 9:00am, and the day just stayed hot. I sat around in a tank top and shorts and moved as little as possible, yet still sweated buckets. A thunderstorm the night before had knocked the power out, so I couldn’t even enjoy cold water. I was bored, hot, and more than a little bit pissed off. Lizards were all over my walls, earwigs were falling in from my ceiling, and I could not cool down. The lizards are cute, until you remember that the spiders eat them, so lizards mean spiders, which was stressing me out.

I was sitting near my door, reading the third book in the Game of Thrones series, and George R. R. Martin had just finished killing everyone I loved and ruining the lives of everyone I liked. After too many emotional blows, I set the book down in frustration and looked up at my wall. There was a scorpion on it.

This scorpion was very tiny. I couldn’t tell if it was a giant earwig, a giant ant, or a small centipede. When I realized what it was and that it was crawling down towards me, I shouted some unprintable words and leapt from my seat. No one from my Swazi family was home to save me. I would have to do this battle on my own, or retreat to the mosquito net, away from the open door and breeze.

I grabbed a can of Raid spray, which is pretty lethal stuff. I knew that I would only have one shot before my enemy knew what I was doing, so I had to hit him to avoid a counterattack or a retreat on his part. I stood in wait, finger poised on the nozzle, as he approached me.

When he was close enough, I let out a battle cry (or, more truthfully, battle shriek) and depressed the nozzle. The spray of Raid burst forth and hit my target. I refused to let up the spray until he fell from the wall. When he landed on the floor, I continued to spray him until it was past clear he was dead. Then, just for good measure, I added in a few smacks of the broom and swept his corpse outside.

I felt very accomplished. Make no mistake, though, if I see another one and it’s bigger than that small one, I will be retreating and screaming until some fearless Swazi comes to kill it for me.